1. KEEP IT SLOW
"Rule number one: if you're looking, it ain't cooking. If you're slow cooking something like a brisket or a pork butt or ribs, you're talking about 13 fucking hours for the pork butt, maybe eight or nine for the brisket, ribs maybe five or six. Set it up and let it go, don't fucking peek in on it every five minutes, because it ain't gonna cook, and you're going to lose all the smoke."

2. NOT YOURS? THEN HANDS OFF
"Never touch another man's grill. Never. If you're at your buddy's barbecue and he's cooking up something, you stand there, shut up and drink your beer and don't say a fucking word. You can criticise him after you've eaten it, but don't touch his shit. Ever. That's the cardinal sin."

3. GIVE YOUR MEAT A GOOD OLD RUB
"When seasoning large cuts of meat, apply rub liberally. If you've got a 10lb pork butt you can coat it with salt and smoke it for 13 hours, and when you break it up all that salt on the outside is going to turn into a bark. If you pull it, like pulled pork, that bark is kinda gonna mix in with all the other meat and it'll be perfect. You don't have to worry about over-salting a piece of meat that's that fucking big!"

4. REMEMBER A BINDING AGENT
"When doing ribs, if you're gonna apply rub before you get them on the grill, you'll need a binder. Some people use yellow mustard, just so they don't stick the rub to it. You won't taste the mustard, it'll only be a binder. You can use olive oil, too."

5. GO BIG OR GO THE FUCK HOME
"I don't fuck around. I just cooked for 120 people last weekend. I did 30lbs of pork butts, 40lbs. of briskets, and fucking nine racks of ribs. You've gotta do it, man. If you run out of food, that's a fucking problem right there!"

This isn't the first time Dave has talked BBQ, so here's another choice cut:

Grohl's Grilled Asparagus - PopSmear, 1999

1. First you gotta get good asparagus. Don't get the dry, crusty shit you find at the Safeway. You gotta find somewhere that has not too thick, but medium girth asparagus.
2. Take it out of its little rubber band. Cut the ends off it. Not the yummy heads, but the ends. You don't want that shit.
3. Rinse it, put it in a brownie pan with a whole bottle of olive oil. Soak it in the olive oil. Cut up a clove of garlic or crush it. Put the garlic all over it.
4. Then you get garlic powder, not garlic salt, garlic powder, and you take it so that each piece of asparagus gets an equal amount of grit on it. Which would be the oil and the garlic powder. Then you let it sit for a little while. If you're making that with a steak dinner, you're gonna want to put the steaks on first. (You can do the same thing with peppers as well. It's fun to get red peppers, yellow peppers and orange peppers. Get one of each and cut them up into sixths, not fourths, but sixths. Clean 'em good, do the same thing with the powder and the olive oil and let them sit. Really let them soak. You can actually let all of it soak together, but I never do).
5. Put the steaks on first and start flippin', give it five or six minutes. Then you come at the grill with the asparagus and the peppers. When those asparagus and peppers hit that grill, the olive oil makes that fucking thing blow up. The olive oil will turn your grill into the seventh ring of hell. Which is fun, and that's what makes both the peppers and the asparagus yummy. Because the flame goes down after maybe 35 to 45 seconds. You might want to blow on it to make sure it doesn't burn the shit out of everything right off the bat.
6. You have to flip the peppers, but what happens with the peppers is... you put the peppers on, put 'em skin side down so that the outside of the skin can get a little blackened. If it burns too much, you can just peel it off. But what it does, is it sits there on the grill like a little bowl and all its yummy juices come up in the middle of that pepper. You could flip it over, but you'll lose some of those juices, but don't burn the other side as well. Just burn the outside skin. Vegetables are best when they're hot and the juices kind of cook themselves.
7. You'll know your asparagus is ready when you pick it up and it looks like a limp penis. When you put 'em on there, they're nice and hard. You know they're done when they're a little blackened on the outside and the tip dips down. The tip points to the steaks.
But, the deal is, you want to sear the outside of the vegetable because vegetables contain their own natural sugars. And this is what grilling is all about. This is what searing is all about.